Dec
December
18. 1856
Lynover Cottage, Kilburn. London
N. W.
Northwest
–
(Initials commanded by General Post Office)
My dear friend,
I may call you so? Knowing what you have been to me these many years.
I wanted to write the day after I saw you – but did not. It was only to say that
I had not said half I wished to say – that morning – feeling weak & nervous
with being confined to the house for months: – that was the first day of my
quitting it – almost. Also to tell the honest truth – mean confession for a
woman of thirty! – I care for you so much that when I see you I feel frightened
& shy like a girl of sixteen – Don’t let Mr. Browning laugh at this for
sentimentalism – you two are the last of my enthusiasticms – you specially being a woman. – Honestly,
that morning, I felt like a fool – But I will not be ashamed of my folly. – It’s
something for any human being to owe as much to other human beings as I to both
of you – And to love you in this sort of way – that it makes one feel foolish. –
So – no more of this. I have said it out & am easy in my mind. –
Last night I finished
Aurora Leigh. – It seems to
me the completest Poem, if not one of the grandest books, that any woman ever
wrote – but many will have told you this, or the like. – I feel I have no right
even to praise. I don’t
praise I
love you. I love in you the
womanhood that speaks out what we women are & want & feel. that is not
afraid of, nor shrinks from, saying anything right to be said. – that walks with
clean feet
thro’
through
uncleanest ways & helps publicans & sinners – as
Christ did. – I can’t tell
you how thoroughly the book seems a
gospel – a message
sent & needed – putting aside all the Poet in it – (you know what you are) –
it is apostolic – striking through darkness & foulness & confusion with
a clear ray of daylight – of the Light Himself. – Especially to us women. –
As it’s worth any living, any
suffering to have written for women a book like that – you may go out of life
content – leaving that behind you. – Do I make clear – I’m afraid not – what I
mean? that it is not the fame, nor the glory of it, that I feel about this book
– it’s the
truth in it – the loss & love in it –
the hope in it – hope that one almost loses, (in everything but the sermon on
the mount) – concerning this our humanity that God seems so far away from,
sometimes – In many a little half-line here & there you have put more of Him
& His truth than one finds in
50
books or
100
sermons. Dear & Good & True! – I shall get foolish again
if I think of you – Do you understand? It isn’t the fame – it’s
you. There’s something in
me
which runs after & holds to & seems to understand
you – Personally, it never may – in fact it is hardly possible – with
lives so wide apart. Nevertheless I have you – quite close: – & always
shall. – If you would now & then – as seldom as you like – let me have a
word or two about yourself,
your husband &
boy – it would be
very pleasant. My life is almost as quiet as your own – I hardly ever know what
it is to feel strong & well – & rarely or never visit – This winter not
at all – so that the news I catch of you is
meagre
meager
& seldom. – I hope you are well – at least as well as you are in
winter time usually. – Where you are I have no idea – this comes
thro’
through
Mr. Chapman. –
Dear friend God bless you – & give you a happy life – it must be happy, it is
so good. And it makes goodness – Forgive this
wandering sort of letter – which utterly in vain tries to express what it means
– I feel that – possibly because it is inexpressible. –
your affectionate
Dinah
Mulock –
Dec
December
18th – /
56
1856
Remember me to your
husband – he is greater than you – even you could not have made
some of the “men & women” – I stand in great “hon” (as Thackeray
spells it) even of the shadow of his shoe-tie. I adore him afar off!! – but
then I love you. – Here shall be an end – Not one
word more –